


The Elder Beads

by TriDogMom



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Beads, Cards Against Muggles, Crack Fic, F/M, Other, Self-Buggering, Sex Toys, The Elder Wand Looks Like Anal Beads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:28:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23160223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TriDogMom/pseuds/TriDogMom
Summary: Mr Filch would like me to remind you that using the Elder Wand as anal beads is strictly off limits.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy, Luna Lovegood/Harry Potter, Ron Weasley/Anal Beads
Comments: 37
Kudos: 96
Collections: Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest





	The Elder Beads

**Author's Note:**

> Cards Against Muggles Prompt:  
> Black Card: Mr Filch would like me to remind you that ________ is strictly off limits  
> White Card: using the Elder Wand as anal beads

Harry was in an empty classroom studying for his Charms N.E.W.T. with his girlfriend Luna, Ron, and Hermione who brought along her boyfriend of two months, Draco. The first few weeks had been tense when Draco joined the group, but Hermione had made it clear that she wasn’t going to stop talking to any of them, so they better figure out how to get along.

They had just finished their essays and had moved on to the practical part of the Bubble-Head Charm. Since the end of the war, Harry had been using both his repaired holly wand and the Elder wand. Successfully casting the charm with the Elder wand, he sat it on the table and picked up his holly wand. 

Hermione looked over at the wand on the table and cocked her head to the side before reaching out to run her finger over the wooden beads carved onto it. 

“Harry,” Hermione started. “Have you ever realised your wand looks very similar to…” 

“Similar to what?” Harry asked, turning the wand over in his hands. He was confused about why Hermione had suddenly turned so red and shifted so much in her seat. 

“It’s nothing, Harry,” Hermione insisted, sharing a glance with Draco and they both giggled knowingly. “Never mind.”

“It’s interesting,” Luna started in her dreamy way. “After Dumbledore took control of the Elder wand, it changed shape. I’ve seen pictures, the beads on it weren’t there before, and it was much thinner.”

“Why would Dumbeldore add beads to his wand?” Ron asked. “Who would  _ want  _ beads on their wand? What would be the point of that?”

Hermione and Draco’s giggles increased. 

“I’m sure he found the bumps to be to his liking,” Draco snickered.

“Most stimulating,” Hermione agreed between laughs. 

“Will one of you two  _ please _ tell me what you’re laughing about?” Harry asked. 

Hermione finally calmed herself and cleared her throat. “Harry, that wand looks like anal beads.”

Harry, his mind suddenly filled with images of Dumbledore using his wand for anal pleasure, tossed the wand onto the table as if it had burned him.

“What are anal beads?” Luna and Ron asked at the same time. 

“They are a string of beads about the size of marbles,” Hermione explained. “You insert them into your anus, then slowly pull them out. They increase -um- stimulation during sex.”   
  
“And how in the hell do  _ you _ know that?” Ron asked. “Draco puts things in your arse?”

“We take turns, Weasley,” Draco replied. “I would recommend it, but word is after your…  _ quick release _ with Lavender, I don’t know that you couldn’t handle any more  _ stimulation. _ ” ” 

“It wasn’t quick… what happened… Lavender was lying... It had been a long time!” Ron argued.

“She said it happened all four times,” Draco teased. “But sure, we believe you.” 

“Do you think you could make me some beads?” Luna asked. “I think Harry and I would enjoy them. He likes it when I put my finger in his arse when I’m sucking his cock.”

“Merlin, Luna,” Harry gasped. “You weren’t supposed to tell people that!”

Hermione pulled out her wand, conjuring a string of anal beads that looked identical to the Elder wand, but soft like silicone. Handing them to Luna, she looked at Ron’s greedy gaze before conjuring him one as well. 

“I don’t need these,” Ron demanded. “I like girls. Real men don’t put things in their arse.”

“Seeing that you’re the only man at the table who doesn’t have a girlfriend,” Harry quipped, “I think you’re wrong, mate.”

Ron stood up, huffed, and gathered his things. He stopped as he was walking away and reached back to snatch the wand of beads Hermione had made for him. 

“Don’t forget to use lube, Weasel!” Draco hollered as Ron stormed out of the door.

* * *

A week later, the group was working in the empty classroom again when there was a knock on the door. Dean entered with Ginny on his arm and Seamus trailing in behind them. After talking for a bit, Dean cleared his throat. 

“Hermione, I was wondering if you’d be able to make us some beads like you did for Ron,” Dean said. “He was raving about them in the dorm room this morning, and we’d like to try them.”

“Some for me, too,” Seamus added. “Parvati said she’d use them on me.”

“How much are they?” Ginny asked. 

“Oh,” Hermione started, looking at her friends. “I’m n--”

“Four Galleons each,” Draco said, cutting her off. “We’ll have them for you by dinner time.”

“Thanks!” Dean grinned. “See you at dinner.”

“Draco!” Hermione chastised after the door shut. “I am conjuring them for free. We shouldn’t be charging people.”

“Gryffindor’s,” Draco muttered. “You are selling them your idea, more than the product. You were the first one to make it, so you should get rewarded for it. I wonder if we could patent this?”

“It’s my wand,” Harry huffed, annoyed that no one was asking him what he thought about people using his wand to fuck themselves. “Why am _ I  _ not getting paid?”

“One Galleon per wand?” Draco offered. 

“Done!” Harry agreed. 

“Harry, can I borrow your wand for a bit?” Hermione asked. “If we are going to be selling these for profit, then I want to make sure the copies look realistic.”

“While you study the wand, Harry and I will go look up patent laws in the library,” Draco said. “I wonder if they have a section for magical sex toys?”

* * *

Another two weeks had passed, and it felt like the four friends were spending all of their free time making, what Luna had named ‘The Elder Beads’. Hermione and Luna had worked out a way for the beads to still look exactly like the wand with a variety of built-in charms. They could change the size or length and even make them vibrate. The mood in the castle seemed to shift the more people bought them. The student body, as a whole, seemed to be more relaxed and satisfied. 

Harry and Hermione had received an owl from George the night before asking if he could work with them. He told them he had never considered a line of adult toys, however, after hearing about them from Ron he was curious. He thought The Elder Beads would be a great start and he was willing to pay them handsomely for the idea. 

* * *

It was a Saturday night a few weeks later when Harry and Luna were walking hand in hand down a deserted hallway just before dinner hoping to fit in time for a quick, hot snog. Well, they thought it was deserted, but the sound of someone moaning caught their attention. Pulling out their wands just in case, they turned the corner and saw a foot sticking out from a deep alcove. 

Moving closer, they both stopped dead when the entire scene came into view. Across the hall from them, Ron laid on the ground before them was Ron, Onhis back, with his legs spread wide. One hand was furiously rubbing his cock as the other slowly pulled The Elder Beads out of his arse, making a soft pop as each bead appeared. He must have purchased a new one because this one was longer than Harry had ever seen; there were already six beads out of his arse, and he was still pulling. With a loud groan, Ron began to climax when a voice called out from behind them. Ron’s eyes flew open. 

  
  


“What are ya  _ doing _ ?” bellowed Mr Filch. “Moanin’ and wankin’ where Mrs Norris could see ya. Disgustin’, that is. Who’d ya think ‘ll have to clean up ‘er vomit, eh? Me! A month’s detention, you filthy self-buggerer! We’ll see how much you like anal stimulation when I’m flogging your arse!”

Thankful Mr Filch hadn’t seen them, Harry and Luna took off running, smothering their laughter at Mr Filch’s continued tirade continued to sound down the hallway. They made their way to dinner, collapsing every few feet with laughter. When Hermione and Draco arrived, the couple filled their business partners in on what they had seen in the hallway. The four of them were still laughing at Ron being caught when the sound of someone tapping their knife against a goblet stopped them 

Everyone turned to see tiny Professor Flitwick clambering on top of the head table so he could address the student body. 

“Good evening, students,” Flitwick squeaked. “Just a quick announcement, then you can return to your meals. Mr Filch would like me to remind you that using the Elder Wand as anal beads is strictly off limits.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to **[KoraKunkel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KoraKunkel/pseuds/KoraKunkel) and [shuns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuns)** for all the beta help!!


End file.
